Raw Update – Why I Am Still Struggling

by | Nov 15, 2018

The last few weeks I have been struggling so much and last week I was forced to face something so massive and so horrifying that even through everything I have already been going through, it brought it to a whole different level. My body can’t seem to handle much more, so I am doing all I can. I’m sharing with you guys that I’m having one of many hard days again because I want you guys to know that I am still healing and that it takes time and that in whatever YOU are struggling with, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I haven’t been posting very much of my journey because I don’t want you guys to feel like you keep having to comfort me and I definitely don’t want you to feel bad for me. I also haven’t been sharing much of my journey because honestly…. there are times when I feel like that is all I’m good for.. that that is all people care about..the drama and knowing the details.

There are times when I really do wonder if that’s all people care about..

But I have realized & would like to be clear, that I am NOT TELLING my story right now, I am sharing MY JOURNEY.

It is not time for me to tell my story, because I am still healing. I am still trying to make it through. So instead of me going through all that I am experiencing and all of a sudden coming back strong & magicaly healed and then telling my story, I am going to be sharing the part that can actually do something good.. that can actually help people.. which is sharing the HOW not the WHAT. The details of the “what” is NOT necessary in order to benefit from the “how”.

I’m still in the middle of this journey that many of you have been watching for a while now. Some of you have been following me since I was in High School or since the day I got engaged or maybe you came across my account around the same time when everything in my life changed. As hard as it has been for my life to be so public, if you are or even if you aren’t following me, if you look at my account to keep updated on my life, my dreams, my heartache, my situation with my husband, or anything else, I consider you a follower – BUT:

To the ones who actually do follow me and support me through likes, comments, DMs, emails, etc. I consider you my supporters, my team, my family. I consider you a BLESSING. I feel like you have my back. I’ve never once cared about having likes or followers until now. Not only because it’s how I make a living and am able to take care of myself, but because I see it in a completely different way than I ever have before. Each like, each comment, each follow, means so much more to me than just a like or just a follow. It’s more to me than just a number. As I am persuing content creation as my full-time job and my outlet/way of healing and as I pursue public speaking to help the lives around me in every way I possibly can, those likes & comments show me support. It is NOT necessary in order for me to be happy or to do what I feel so strongly that I am supposed to do. But the love and support that I feel from each of you following, liking, commenting, sharing and actually caring.. it makes me feel like I can not only do those things that I’m persuing but I can continue to endure each and every excruciating minute of every day as I continue to face a trial that no one knows about. That even though I am not allowed (I repeat, I AM NOT ALLOWED to talk about it right now), even though this part of the nightmare I am living truly makes me feel so alone at times.. each of your likes & comments help me to feel like I am not alone. That Heavenly Father has blessed me with angels and an army behind me, who love me, who believe in me, who support me.

You might be wondering, why is it taking her so long to get over him? Or, she must be struggling so much to move on, it must be so hard. Or, why does it seem like she’s still going through it as if it just happened?

Here is your answer:

I am not trying to get over him. This is not just the loss of a loved one, a break up or a heart break. I am literally trying to survive. Because

It is not over. I am currently being dragged and tortured through what will be a long process of excruciating pain until all of what has happened has been resolved legally. Our marriage is being annulled for a reason. There are serious things involved, and at this point, I truly feel like it will never stop getting worse. I am suffering severely. I know it is concerning/frustrating/confusing to know that I’m going through something so hard but not know exactly what it is. However, the “what” is not needed in order for us to show love & support to one another. I do not need to know all of the details of your life & situations to be able to show you love and support. So even without knowing the details right now, you can still be here for me. We can still be here for each other.

I have decided to try to share more of my healing process. This means I will be trying harder to share more of my good days & my bad days, my blessings & my trials. I appreciate receiving the support from you guys regardless of what type of day it ends up being. Thank you for reaching out and being there for me when I feel broken and when I feel like giving up. But ALSO, thank you for being happy for me when I am happy and finding success in following my dreams. As I share the bad days, I do so to remind you that you are not alone. If you can’t relate in the moment, that is okay! If you can relate from moments you have experienced in the past, let it remind you that you can also help others to know that they are not alone in the moment they are drowning in right now.

I will be showing every and all my good days to keep the positivity, light, love and blessings the focus – As it should be. However, I will still be REAL. I will be RAW. Because I am just like YOU. We are HUMAN. And I intend to not only fight to live and feel alive as I do so, but I intend to help us all to do that on our own and together.

This trial that I am going through is not over. I am suffering. So this is me, reaching out for help. I always want to help others because that is what I feel like I have been called to do in my life. But I am humbling myself and reaching out to say that the love & support I have received… I need that right now and for the next 6 months MORE THAN EVER. I am not just including you in my journey to hopefully help one of you, but I am now realizing the blessing that it has been and can be to help me survive something that at times, I feel like I can’t.

So here is my very raw update! I appreciate each of you. The power that social media and online communities can have is truly incredible. In a world with so much darkness & tragedy, we have been blessed with the remarkable tool and ability to not only connect with people all over the world, but we are able to be there for each other through the darkest times and remind each other of all the light and beautiful parts this world still has to offer and the light WE still have to offer.

Thank you for connecting with me & supporting me. Thank you for being YOU. And thank you for reading all of this haha You guys are amazing!! You are not alone, your feelings are valid, you are strong and you are loved & appreciated. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day today!

With Love,

1 Comment

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